My Dad turned 61 today

I called my Dad for his birthday. We talked about the old days. We laughed a lot as we usually do. And I started feeling like I really missed him and wanted to see him. He lives Upstate. It's about a 6 hour drive. Due to starting a new job and school. It just has not been possible to get up there.
He is not well. He suffers from something called, "Trigeminal Neuralgia". He has Emphysema although he refused to acknowledge it. And he suffered some paralysis on his left side when he had a brain Aneurysm a few years back. I know that my Dad will not live to be very old. And if he does. It will not be a quality life on a physical level.
Before we hung up. I told him that I love him and I wanted him to understand that I think of him ALL of the time. What I mean by that is that he is always with me and is always in my heart and mind. No matter what is going on. I am thinking about him. And I just needed him to know that. He said he feels the same and he wants to see me soon. I have seen him in the last couple of months. But it was at weddings and functions like that. We weren't really spending time together the way we would if I went up to visit.
After we hung up. I cried. To explain in the blog where my tears come from would probably turn into a book. One of which I am not ready to write and one that most would prefer not to read. But I'll try a little bit.
The relationship of my father and all of his children is so dysfunctional on certain levels. But when I tell you that we love him to death. I mean it. This entire family has this unbiased, fierce, untamed, passionate kind of love. One that cannot really be summed up.
To me. My father is everything that a man should be and a lot of things that a man should not be. It's confusing. I can't always wrap my mind around it. But it is what it is.
My father is so handsome, but his views can sometimes be so ugly, he is so intelligent, but can be very ignorant at times, he is the strongest man that I know, Yet he can be so weak. He is kind and sweet, but I've seen him be so mean and sour. He's always been torn between what his heart feels and what his father taught his mind to think. He is gentle, but his views can be so harsh.
But I love him. The good, the bad and the indifferent.
That's my father. And the day he leaves this earth he will take a part of me with him. I dread that day. I believe that will be the day that will determine my strength. And the day that I will cry enough tears to fill an ocean.